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Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002

Subject:HAH im gone!
Time:3:51 pm.
If you hadn't noticed, I haven't posted in a long time, that's because I started a new journal, http://www.livejournal.com/users/spectralcoyote yup, that's it. The end, goodbye. unless I post here randomly again
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Thursday, September 19th, 2002

Time:2:18 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
What the fuck am I doing posting? Im supposed to be gone, right? Well, I don't have a code for a new journal (anybody have extras they want to throw around? But I feel like posting right now.

Trip Hop

Shit, it's good stuff. I've always thought it was good stuff, but right now the shit im going through, it fits me mood. I bought the new sneaker pimps album on a whim and it's damn good. Different than Becoming X, but still kick ass.

This was all started by reviewing this gothy trip hop duo Collide on www.garageband.com, which BTW if you are a musicion you should check it out, it's REALLY cool. Anyways, Collide is the best thing I've heard in a while, and I need to buy their CD, of course I have no money since my account was overdrawn and I was charged like a mutha, but it's all clear now. I know im contradicting myslef, why did I just buy Sneaker Pimps? Because it was on sale, and I was buying other shit anyway. Fuck yo.

I want to say a lot of things to a handful of certain people, but I don't know if I will.

it's funny that when you decide that if someday asks you something directly you will be completely honest with them, but nobody ever asks anything. Except yvetta, hah, good 'ol yvetta always asking me crazy shit. Sort of a "How are you feeling?" "Down" "Why" "Problems with such and such" "Oh, how so?" etc. etc. etc.

Audrey is absofuckinglutely amazing though. We don't ever have any problems. It's really nice, and exactly what we both needed. WHEW! Good stuff.

So now im going through that whole shit transition between teen and adulthood. I need to go to more crazy diverse events.

My song, The Awakening is something I can really be proud of. I've never made anything like it. It gives me hope. I will be doing this shit for a long time. I also need to get reason, im getting tired of chopping up loops to make my on melodies and beats. Ergh.

My darker side is definitley coming out more, Fall is coming....sweet......sweet fall.

I am in constant physical pain, and it really hurts! Sometimes I wonder how constant physical pain would change somebody. It has certainly changed me. I think most people should go through this shit, it's really humbling. I am thankful for this experiance, but I want it to end.....always. I honestly don't th ink I could survive through this again.

I know I whine about it a lot, but I need to get it out. I hate contradicting myself, but fuck, I dunno what to say. heh, I just said but fuck. My sillyness is profuse, I don't even know if that's the right fucking word. FAK!

I was going to say something, but now I forget. I wonder how *pause*

Fuck, now im being kicked off the net by my mother. Time to go.

I just don't want to be alone.....except when I do. Goodbye.........
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Wednesday, July 24th, 2002

Time:11:58 pm.
Mood: crushed.
My hard drive was wiped completely clean. SWOOSH! All gone, to the point where recovering would start at a minimum 2 grand. HELL NO!

Damnit, I feel like listing some of the major ones: All of my writings, phone/adress/e-mal listings for everybody I know, a website I had put over 50 hours of work into, Any and all artwork I had created, ALL OF MY MUSIC AND SAMPLES/LOOPS(about 700), un duplicatable imprompteu recording of my 6 year old cousin (who is now 8) making up a song.

Ugh, I don't want to think about it any more...

with dark comes light.

My awesoma powa g4 powerbook should be coming soon.

Sheesh, talk about starting with a clean slate!

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Thursday, July 18th, 2002

Time:1:17 pm.
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Time:11:50 am.
Mood: calm.

this is so different

this is something I needed.

Something has been stirred up in my that hasn't been for years, my darker so called gothic side. Watching Vampire Journals with Audrey was really cool, we both got into it. This is great! All my beautiful and positve deeper side is coming out. IM GROWING! YAY!

Now I must go write something about this...
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Wednesday, July 17th, 2002

Time:12:03 am.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but if that's not enough for you, the test said so, HAH! :-D

What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty
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Saturday, July 13th, 2002

Time:9:23 am.
Mood:Severe neck pain.
The Pisces Moon Parties are going really well. I felt I played a pretty kickin set, im gaining more confidence to do weird shit, which means that sometimes I can miss it a little, but it's all good 'cuz once in a while I pull off something crazy. I also sold all of my CDs I burned except for 1! I hope people tell me what they think. Sheesh, I can't believe it's my first recorded mix. Scary...

The party was really amazing. The mix of people was real smoooooth. Had some great conversations. I felt so happy, but my neck hurt sooooo much. Egh, and it hurts now so I want to get off the comp.

OMG, Patrick rocked the decks HARD! He doesn't really have the beat matching thing down yet, but his record selection and the way he made it flow was siiiick! Once that boy gets some beat matching skillz he's gonna be a bad ass DJ. He's got a sik funky tech trance sorta style. It's the shit.

Lesssseeeeee, yup, it's happened again. Seems like consistantly every 2 months I find a girl I become fascinated by. Yesh, she was at the party as well. Anyways, we've been friends for a while and so it's hard for me to just be all "Heyyyy, baby, I dig you." So im going to write her a note and give it to her in person with a deep red rose. Or whatever feels right...

Channeling spirits via a Ouji sorta board is crazy. There was this one that was really powerful and creepy and stayed with me for too long...*shivers* Next time I'll be ready for something like that though.

Gotta love the monk of sorts though :0)

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Thursday, July 4th, 2002

Time:12:06 am.
Here I am again, doing teeny tiny blurbs instead of my usual posts. I will not be posting for anybody else, so if you don't like what I post. Then don't read it. Period.

My favorite progressive-ish producers/artists:

Norman Cook
Timo Maas
Deep Dish
Andy Lindsay
Way Out West

My favorite progressive-ish labels:

Hooj/Lost Language

Personal Notes to self:

Wow, Way Out West is really amazing! I've heard them talked a lot about before and I downloaded a couple of their songs a long time ago but they didn't really snag me. Then I heard their remix of Submarine's "Sunbeam" was blown away, then heard Hypnotize. WHOA! They just made my list! Crazy stuff, maybe I should get their album.

Andy Lindsay is so cool, I just got his release on zone, Strummer, and it's great. I am so excited to see him getting records released. I've always loved his stuff from MP3.com he reminds me of quivver sometimes, but I haven't heard a ton of quivver, so thar ye go :0)

Im not going to see Sasha & Digweed's tour, it makes me sad, but it feels right. I am no determined to go to the UK and see them there. Go to a Bedrock event and see John Digweed, then catch Sasha somewhere. And someday I will see them together.

The end
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Monday, July 1st, 2002

Time:1:17 am.
Mood: calm.
I don't really feel like writing in my live journal anymore. Suddenly, I feel as if it's a bad taste in my life at the moment. Everything is so intense and amazing right now, I don't want to cheapen it into the digital world. I love people, I love life, and I love hardships...the end.

I'll be back, I know I will, it's just not for right now.

Farewell Live Journal.....I shall see the in the not too distant future I am sure...

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Saturday, May 25th, 2002

Time:11:07 am.
gotta c, don't care........throwing a party tonight, playing exactly what I want.........Audrey is amazing, having the time of my life............hawaii is soon, gotta make it work..................I am hungry, going to eat...........

Random thoughts, yummylicious
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Tuesday, May 21st, 2002

Time:6:04 pm.
How can you be there for somebody who you know will have a definite negative effect on you if you are? How can you get past all the neurosees (spellef fonetikal since I don't know how to spell it) and let them know everything is going to be okay? How do you keep your defenses up, but still be able to help a wounded tiger? How can you explain something that can't be understood...

I wish I knew the answer?
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Saturday, April 27th, 2002

Time:4:35 am.
Mood: tired.
This is the most amazing birthday ever, and im NOT letting it end yet!!! Im not even going to write about it here because it would cheapen it. If you want to hear about it, ask me and I'll be more than happy to go on and on about it...

Just not here...
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Thursday, April 25th, 2002

Subject:Happy birthday to me
Time:10:31 am.
Mood: indescribable.
As of 6:58pm tonight [b] I am 18

And everybody needs to come to my play tonight.
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Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002

Time:2:03 pm.
Bring me no more reports, let them fly all: till birnam wood remove to dunsinaan I cannot taint with fear. What's the boy malcom was he not born of woman? The spirits taht know all mortal consequences have pronounced me thus: 'Frear not, Macbeth, no man that's born of woman shall e'er have power upon thee'. Then fly false thanes,a nd mingle with the English epicures; the mind I sway by and the heart I bear, shall never sag with doubt, nor shake with fear.
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Monday, April 22nd, 2002

Time:1:43 pm.
Until sunday, AIM will be my only contact with the outside world... by my own choice. Because it's not "real"

I am immersing myself within Macbeth.....let's hope I can find my way back ;)

Lay on macduff, and damned be him that first cries; Hold Enough!

o, full of scorpians is my mind...
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Sunday, April 21st, 2002

Subject:Physical contact.
Time:10:30 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
This is something I think about a lot, especially latley since I am female-contact deprived. Grrrrr.....

I wish I could be as physically affectionate as I wanted to be. Sometimes I just want to cuddle some of my gal-friends that are just sooooo cuddle-able, like teddy bears! But noooo, culture says I would be doing it just to "cop a feel" or some shit like that. HUMAN CONTACT WITH THE ATTRACTED GENDER(S) IS HEALTHY AND NATURAL!!! But, I think a lot of people are afraid of what other people will think if we act upon these feelings. Just because I want to be close with a girl doesn't mean I want her sexually, it doesn't even mean my feelings for her aren't platonic, it just is something that we as humans yearn for.
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Wednesday, April 10th, 2002

Subject:Finally.......it worked *crosses fingers*
Time:8:33 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
So, im sick, had a pretty bad start to my day. This morning after the chiropractor and a shitty brunch I returned home with many emotions "Time for a Technoshaman style mix tape, maybe this one will finally work." but all the usual problems went wrong. My opening record I had never mixed with before and it was some odd BPM like 137 or something (I've yet to understand how to count BPMs, or even try) I couldn't seem to match right with any other record. So I had to start over, first I took my 135bpm record to match it with so I could start on an even number, which worked fine, but then the 10 year old tape deck frigged out again and started only recording on the left channel. Which is my weird Karma thing, all my mix tapes seem to only want to record on the left channel.

I stop the record and yell out a big fat "FUCK!" at the top of my lounges. Damn, that felt good. So then I spent a great while working on creating music and chatting with people. Then at about 3:30 I was DEAD tired, so I took a nap. Which is something I NEVER do, it felt sooooooooo good. Yumm!

I woke up in a daze, caught my berrings, and talked to my beloved Soulmate Becca. YAY! Ate a burrito, mmmmm.

Then.........I felt something........mmmmmmmm.........it's time to DJ, Technoshaman style! So I popped in a mix tape, lit a Reki infused Positive Energy Candle, turned off the lights, and went at it.

BAM!!!! It felt great, what a challenge, I loved it! I used mostly new reks that I had yet to try to spin. Whoa, I felt the energy, moved the flow. The pulsating deep trance beats penetrating my soul.....ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh. Orgasmic. This was the first time a set of mine worked when I taped it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For my own memories, and all those curious, here is my set list:

Artist - Song Title - Mix - Label

Andy Lindsay - Strummer - Original - Zone
Submarine- Sunbeam - Way Out West Vocal Dub - Kinetic
Kolo - Edge Of Forever - Original - Fade
Fisher Project - I Get A Rush - I get Deeper - Neo
Z2- I Want You - Moshic + Zidan - Platipus
Infected Mushroom - BP Empire - Deep - StreetBeat

Now time for 6 feet under. BYO BYO!
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Sunday, March 31st, 2002

Time:12:59 pm.
Mood: bouncy.
I LOVE PSYTRANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I went to this Psytrance party on friday with Bizzy (Benjamin)me madre, and Grayhawk, my mother's "companion" or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

Talked to some great people, and found out about some great parties. It's cool discovering this steadily growing Psytrance thing goin on here.

At the party, there is this DJ named "KJ" I only heard about 20 minutes of his set but it was really good, and I really liked his style. Later, my mother was saying how he played 3 records that I play in my set. Which is strange, because it's RARE when I hear just one record that I play.

Must find out more about this guy! Oh yeah, and he's playing at this cool lookin party on 420 which I am going to try to go to.

I felt so many great emotions last night, I am motivated to start finding more psy parties around here. YUMMY!
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Thursday, March 28th, 2002

Subject:Weak spots
Time:12:40 am.
Mood: contemplative.
What's with all the high horse reactionism latley people? Suddenly everybody has something they feel so strongly about that they won't hear other opinions. I have strong opinions too, but I also try my best to be open to those whose opinions contradict my own. Yeah, sometimes it's hard, but if you think about it... you really can't know anything for sure.

I have a hard time letting in strong opinions that come out of know where. Or those that are SO incredibly strong that it's over bearing. If somebody protests SO much to something it (in my opinion, and the opinion of most psychologists) it usually means thay have some deep rooted weakness with it themselves. When somebody is mugged by a homeless guy, and suddenly this person is adimate about throwing them ALL in jail because they are a blight on the city. Or those guys who spend TOO much time complaining about how fake and stupid britney speares, and then go home to jack off for hours over her videos/magazine cut outs.

A largely accepted opinion which I agree with, says that when somebody feels vulnurable feelings, (Guilt, Shame, Betrayal, Pain, Hurt from another) they quickly cover their open weak spot with a strong emotion, most commonly, Hate and those little feelings that go with it. With hate, one feels strong and can protect their weakspot.

Everybody has a weak spot, most people won't admit to it, and almost nobody would admit it even if directly pointed out. Having a weak spot pointed out brings on more powerful defensive feelings.

I believe a weak spot of mine, is just this, weakspots. I get so frustrated with people who get all reactionary about things and go berserk. When governments go attack innocent countries, when some angry anglo kills an indian because he *looks middle eastern.* That's my peeve.

Now, if I could only begin to understand my weakness, and then begin to heal it. To heal a weakspot, nuture it, and make it strong I think is better than jumping off the handle anytime somebody has a knee-jerk high horse reactionary response to something.

Can you find your weak spot?
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Wednesday, March 27th, 2002

Subject:OH NO!!!
Time:6:10 pm.
They fucking cancled Futurama!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!! But, luckily people got a pettition going:


Over 94,000 people have signed so far. I hope we can save this yo! It became my second reason to watch T.V. (The first of course is Simpsons)
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LiveJournal for Coyote of the Infinite Sun.

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